Hello, Mr. Vodka.

At the age of 25, I was still a virgin. Not that it mattered much to me but to  my friends, and the rest of the world, I was living under a curse. The stigma I suffered was worse than that of a Reverend living with HIV/AIDS. To add salt to my injury, at my age, I was yet to taste alcohol and I had the weirdest of names- Blessing. Did I hear you mutter “pathetic"? Well, that's what my friends call me these days.

I lived with this stigma for six months after meeting my friends- Kola, Tolu and Desmond. They were my co-workers at the Bank of Bendel and they had become my clique over time. I did almost everything with them except clubbing and you know, the other one.

On the day my story changed, Kola, who was a senior colleague had just gotten his promotion letter and the house was agog. We were righteously celebrating until a demon spoke through Tolu and suggested we visited a bar. Instantly, every eye in the room turned towards me and as the big boy that I was, I shrugged off the voices of my guardian angels and strode after the young men, jacket in hand, to the bar. My guardian angels were screaming their lungs out but I feigned deafness. I was prepared for anything. In my head, the demons kept whispering, “it is appointed unto a man to die once. All die na die." And I agreed with them.

As soon as we arrived the bar, Kola picked a spot with a wonderful view. I could see young girls dancing seductively and the devil ministered to me saying, “Wilt thou miss this tonight?” I immediately muttered “God forbid” and began to look forward to a night of booze and girls. So we started drinking something called Vodka. The drink had a weird taste but I didn’t mind. I took about six swigs and decided to rest for a while.

Right before me, the bar suddenly went dark and then it lit up with various strobe lights. From a distance, I saw a girl dancing on a pole. Her voluptuous body was totally exposed except for the red, lacy bra that barely held her watermelons, and the string she wore which did nothing to cover her mammoth backside. She wiggled her backside with so much zest that my soldier stood at attention.

Then the miraculous happened when she suddenly turned, looked at me and signalled me with her forefinger to come closer. Holy Moses! The light was sharp and almost blinding yet I saw a clear path before me. The music was devilishly loud but I could hear Kola and the others cheering me on. I stood up and began my bold walk through the valley of the shadow of death till I reached her.

Immediately I got close, she was all over me. She began to rub her massive backside against my crotch. My hands, of their own volition, travelled upwards and groped the softest pair of goodness ever felt by man. The pleasure was so intense that I felt like I had died and gone to heaven. I could hear the crowd cheering me on but the light was fluctuating so I couldn’t see their faces. The girl continued grinding and we did unspeakable things until she turned, gently bit my earlobes and whispered, “take off your clothes, sweetheart.”

I didn’t think twice as I quickly stripped naked and embraced her. My soldier was pulsating as I openly made out with the girl.

It went on for a while until the lights went out again. I took the opportunity and clung tighter to the girl. But somehow, she was no longer warm. She was turning hard, cold and slippery. Then the lights came back on……

And I was standing right in the middle of the bar, buck naked with a throbbing erection. Worse still, I was clinging tenaciously to a stripper’s pole. I looked around and everyone was staring at the 25 year-old drunk fool, holding on to a pole with his soldier standing at full attention. The drunkenness disappeared from my head as I saw my office crush, Shola, standing with Kola and the others.

Then I realized there was no half naked girl, no massive backside. The Vodka had colonized my mind for almost an hour and I had just made a fool of myself in public. It was my first time and it was to be my last.

As I embraced blissful oblivion, I vowed to kill Kola in his sleep and stay away from alcohol afterwards.

Eventually, I didn’t kill Kola and now anytime we speak on phone, the first thing he says is, “Hello, Mr Vodka.”

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction. There is no element of truth whatsoever in this story. (before you people finish me.😂)


  1. Vodka made him stupid but then it made him wiser he wouldn't dare next time


Powered by Blogger.